If I Wasn't Damaged...,

I think I know why this blog has come about. I've known for years that I had a belief system that was "flawed". It was born from societal pressures, my family's many dysfunctions, but mostly my own inability to take the time to sort out what it is I do believe in. And I propose that our beliefs are a very big part of our own unique identities. Sometimes we have beliefs that serve us well for a while, and then we outgrow them over time as we change and mature. And then sometimes we've just been sold a bill of goods, and we haven't taken the time to realize that these beliefs directly conflict with our own personal truth. I've been in therapy during two separate times in my life and both occasions were to help me with compulsive eating issues and general emotional angst. There were some repressed memories that came back, but somehow through it all I came to the fundamental conclusion that I was inherently flawed. I was simply damaged goods. Yeah, life was rough at times, and you've got some big scars, Lauren. That's just the way it is, so you need to make the best of it and get on with life. For many years now I've automatically operated on this basic premise. And like damaged goods, I'm wasn't worth as much as a whole, intact, normal person. After all, the sort of things I went through just don't happen to good people. Yet I've found out something amazing through this blog. In writing out my list of who I think I am, the word damaged came up a number of times. Seeing it stopped me in my tracks. And I was a bit shocked, frankly, because I really don't believe it. Sure, I'm far from perfect. I'm human and uniquely flawed in the quirky way that only I can be. And I make some whopper mistakes. But now that I'm 48, I feel somewhat embarrassed to admit that I bought into the belief that I was damaged without really questioning it. It's weird to recognize that I am  strangely comfortable  with being damaged and not too quick to dispel this belief that I just sort of took in without really questioning so many years ago. To tell you the truth, I'm sort of in love with the crazy and imperfect way I operate in this life, and I see it my own blessed journey with all the lessons I have learned and those that are yet to come as a gift from God. I am surprised that now I have this incessant yearning to punch through the many ways in which my current identity is flawed. This isn't really news to me. I've suspected I had this whole identity thing wrong for over 30 years. I just didn't DO anything about it, or didn't have any idea of what to do about it. I guess I wasn't ready. But I am now. So, Dear Readers, I wrote down the belief "I am damaged" and stretched to to it's conclusion in writing to see what would come out of it. I created this writing exercise that I'd like to share with you here.
I wrote down the phrase, "If I wasn't damaged,...(fill in the blank)..." and finished it over and over again until there was nothing left. I had over 100 statements before I was tapped out. I wrote things like, "If I wasn't damaged, my parents would have spent some time with me," and "If I wasn't damaged, my siblings wouldn't have left me home alone." And as I read over my writings, a miracle happened. I learned that the belief "I am damaged" is one hundred percent untrue. It was a liberating and powerful experience! So, Dear Readers, if you suspect that you have self-esteem issues like me, do the "IIWD...," exercise and see what comes up for you. I bet you'll be surprised that you don't believe what comes of it either. Sometimes, to get past a flawed idea, we just need to give it some attention to see if it floats or sinks. In this case, mine sunk. I'm hoping that the ones that are nagging at you will sink as well. Happy sailing! Lauren