Naming the Problem.

Now that I've started this Blog, I have to confess that I have absolutely no idea how to begin this journey or how keep it going. Seriously, how do I figure out who I am? Bewildered, I sat myself down last night and attemped to make a simple list of the many ways I see myself. It seemed like good idea. "Number one..., Lauren". BOOM! Issues raced out of my brain at warp speed. I thought my head would explode! Here's why: From the first day I was brought home from the hospital, my family called me "Laurie". They still do today. I always liked Laurie. It felt like a comfortable glove. I guess I always thought it "suited" me. Of course, a name is just a word that's a symbol for a person. It's not their identity. But it does lightly color how we see ourselves. And it's nice to like the name your parents give you. That all changed for me on the first day of kindergarten. I walked in nevously clenching tightly onto my mom's hand when she looked over and said, "By the way, your name is Lauren." What? Lauren!?! What's a Lauren?!? Within a few days, the school called my parents because there was a problem. They thought either I had a hearing impediment or I was just plain stubborn because I didn't respond when the teacher called me. Great. Now I was labled a "problem" and I had a yucky name. The "problem", as we soon found out, was that I was a five year old who didn't know her own name! To be totally honest, my official birth certificate actually lists my first name as "Laurene". But when a much loved uncle of mine married a woman named Laurene who really hated my family, my parents unofficially dropped the "e" on school registration papers. And I have been Lauren, unofficially, ever since. Now to a five year old, this was terrible news! My friends all had nice, cute, girlie names like Cindy or Suzie. or Wendy or Dawn. But Lauren was clunky and awkward and masculine. And I instantly hated it. No one else in my school was named Lauren. In fact, I didn't even meet another Lauren face to face until I was over 20 and attending college on the other side of the state in Kalamazoo. The only other Laurens I had even heard of were actress Lauren BcCall and model Lauren Hutton. No big connections for me there. And maybe the reason I really hated the name so much was because I confused my my parents' anger at their new sister in law with how they felt about me. Ah! That's their issue, not mine. Kids don't straighten all those tangles out. They just feel all the conflict. That's where my identity got a bit skewed! And wouldn't you know it, the popularity of the name Lauren suddenly surged around 1978 when designer Ralph Lauren became famous. Tons of little Laurens instantly sprung up everywhere! I remember being totally stymied when after performing at a solo competition during my senior year in high school, my very pregnant judge told me that she loved my singing and my name. Two days later, she had a daughter and named her Lauren. So things were looking up. And as I continued to grow up, I actually grew into "Lauren"without ever really noticing that I did it. Now I actually like Lauren. A bookmark I bought twenty years ago with my name on it says that Lauren is of Latin origin and means "Honor, fame; Victorious one." Cool. William Shakespeare wrote in Juliet's balcony monologue, "What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would still smell sweet." True, Lauren really isn't my identity. It's merely a symbol, a word, that represents me. What I do identify with is the fact that those I love most now call me Lauren. And those I've loved since my beginning still call me Laurie. That's fun. Now I think they both suit me just fine. I encourage you, Dear Readers, to think about your own name, or nick name, or sur name, or maiden name or married name. Consider what they say about you. Do you like your name? Whether you do or not, I think it's a good piece of information to know. This business of personal inventory is kinda fun. So,... why not take out a pad and pen yourself and jot down a quick list of the many ways you see yourself? Does anything on list suddenly press your buttons? If they do, I can almost promise you that looking at them more closely won't make your head explode. My didn't. That's a relief. And now, Lauren needs to get back to the business of continuing her own list...., "Item two...," This is going to take a while. Hope you have a good one and that you come back tomoroow! LAUREN