Setting Limitis - Such Hard Work!

As I wrote the Vampire post today, I realized that an important part of our identity is formed by the way we set limits with others. Society pushes us to be nice (especially women), but at what point do we become push-overs? And when we are assertive, does it automatically feel "uncomfortable" for us? Or are we just being a big "B"? I was just on the phone with an acquaintance who tends to snag me into little commitments that always end up being huge, tornado-like escapades that I always come to regret later. It's a well established pattern. But I was lucky this time. I knew something was up and instinctively said I'd need to think about the little "favor" she was suggesting. I don't usually preserve myself that well. I normally just agree to whatever tiny thing she thinks "would be a good idea for me" because I wanna be nice! And I always kick myself later for not recognizing the ruse ahead of time. But today, somehow my "Spidey" senses were tingling enough to alert my brain and my mouth. When I am done writing this, I will call her back and firmly decline her "kind" offer. There will no doubt be guilt and a gnawing in my stomach. But I am determined not to get snagged in this one! When setting limits, there are a few guidelines that I recall from my college communication theory classes that are helpful. One, take time to decide what limit you want to set. Define it clearly in your mind until you feel comfortable stating it as your standard for whatever person or situation you want to apply it. You deserve to be happy and to draw healthy lines amongst your relationships with others. Two, be absolutely clear in stating your intent. It's your responsibility to make sure your message is understandable. Don't let vague, overly apologetic, guilt ridden words blur what you need to say. You don't have to make excuses, lie or even apologize. Just state the limit you are setting, and let it sit out there on it's own in the world's ether. Three, you are never responsible for how the person you are communicating with will respond. They may surprise you and respect the limit you set. In that case, you can pat yourself on the back and sleep well tonight. But they might just ignore your limit as if you were just a bit of a wind that kicked up momentarily. In that case, be sure to re-state your limit and stick to it. Finally, they might just unleash the fury of the world on you. The limits you set probably won't make others happy. Just ask my kids! But you don't have to obediently take anther's punishment for the limits you set. Remember, you are doing this for you because their behavior crossed a line. My son had a good friend move out of state a few years back. The problem was, this "friend" would call him up and ramble for over an hour never letting my son get one word in edgewise. Whenever my son tried to end the call, the "friend" would stubbornly refuse to let him off the line. Realizing both that he needed help and had a right to be angry at this "friend's" manipulative tactics, we did some role playing. He practiced politely saying "I don't want to talk to you anymore" and then hanging up the phone. His Vampire friend got the message. One of my bestest friends in the world recently confessed to me that she "unfriended" a few in-laws on FB because they always snipe at all her comments. Bravo! She has ignored their new friend requests and is prepared to honestly level with them if they ask what's up in person. I knew someone who was addicted to porn who couldn't utter a sentence without serious profanity. I kept that person far away from my kids and eventually told them that I didn't feel their conduct was appropriate. After calling me a four letter word that starts with "C", they waltzed out of my life forever. And though I was truly rattled at the time, I am now grateful for that. One final note, one shot deals usually won't do when you are setting limits with those you love. Repeating the limit over and over again may be needed until they get on board (or at least surrender). It's uncomfortable but necessary. I have a family member who gossips shamelessly about other family members and often outright lies in the process. After being burned by them, I now politely refuse to talk with them about any other person. Period. It's ridiculously hard work. But some Vampires are fixtures in our lives, and like many things, this effort it remains a work in progress. So, Dear Readers, take a moment to see if there are some limits you need to set with others in your life. It might feel scary at first, but a world with a few less Vampires and the threat of their fangs is bound to make you happier. Have a great day. I gotta call to make,... Lauren