One more thing...,

P.S. I didn't want to leave you with the wrong impression in that last post. This really is a GREAT trip. Wish you could all see how beautiful it is. And despite what I wrote, there is nothing as wonderful - out-house and all!

Negotiating "Tough" Personalities

We are preparing for our annual two week trip to my husband's family's cabin. This is the same trek he has been making since he was 7 years old as the fourth oldest of nine kids. During the trip, there can be as many as 30+ personalities from ages 2 to 80 all coming and going and living together under one roof! It takes a LOT of coordination and organization and patience to make this "communal living" thing workable. Sometimes there are snags, but it usually goes miraculously well. Now I truly adore my husband's family. The truth is, this arrangement wouldn't last a half hour with my family! But like school, work, church and life, there can be some personalities that are, well, more challenging to deal with than others. Oh, and did I mention that there is no electricity or plumbing, we have to take a train to get there that runs only a few times a week, and it's in a foreign country? Like all "in-law" social gatherings, I've come to learn that I have somewhat of a second rate status since I'm not blood. It's not a direct snub. They generally really like me. But I've noticed that a sib or parent can suggest any silly ridiculous thing, and it's taken as the God's truth. While I (with my college and law school degrees) can make a simple, well thought out comment, and it's just plain dismissed. Done. Know your place, Lauren. O.K. That's just family. I'm sure (no, I know) my clan does the same to my husband. But I've noticed something about me lately. I routinely tip toe around certain personalities. I go to great pains to think ahead, anticipate snags and work pretty darn hard to fix problems. And I do all this to make this trip a valuable continuing experience for my husband and kids. So I closely monitor what I say, and I work hard to avoid conflict. And frankly, those "in-the-clan" do not. O.K. Part of this situation is defining "my place" in the whole scheme of this vacation and in this huge family. But I think this contortionist act is really relevant to my identity. Am I really a push-over as was suggested to me recently? Well, maybe. Yet I do know that I have no desire to be like the personalities I'm trying to accommodate - difficult, moody, and with a chip on my shoulder. I like aspiring to be easy-going, helpful and well, NICE. There! I said (wrote) it. I will be the first to admit that I spent my first 20 years on this earth being NOT nice. And as I grew up, somehow I did a 180. Being thoughtful, polite and helpful is a good goal, I think. So sue me. But something big has changed in me lately. In years past, I have invested a lot of time and effort because I really cared what the difficult, thoughtless ones thought about me. Now that's all gone like smoke. Suddenly, I couldn't care less. Wow. Now, I'm not planning on picking fights intentionally or being belligerent just for the sake of planting my emotional stake at my in-laws' camp. But I'm not going to keep quiet when I disagree either. I'm not going to refrain from activities I want to do because it irritates those who are regularly vocal about their demands. I'm not going to waste time anticipating others needs or go out of my way to help make things easier for a couple divas and divos (that really is the masculine of diva!). I'm done tap dancing. And I have a feeling, this is going to be fun! So, Dear Readers, take some time to notice how you deal with the difficult personalities in your life. Do you fire them or ground them? How fast do you tap dance? Or do you just go head to head and let it roll? And do you care what they think about you? Sure, different tactics are needed for different settings. And how and why we negotiate will likely change a lot as we grow up. I love my husband and kids enough to bend a lot to make this a great trip for them. For now, I think this forty-three year tradition is definitely worth preserving. But if you happen to see some fireworks over the Canadian sky this week, don't assume it's the Northern Lights. I just might be Lauren biting back. Hope you have a great day and can take some memorable vacations yourself this summer. Talk to you soon! Lauren

Humble Appreication

A good friend of mine just had her life instantly devastated. While traveling to Michigan two weeks ago to visit relatives, her teenage son lost control of their vehicle. As a result she and her husband suffered very serious injuries. They underwent emergency surgeries out of state and will now spend the rest of the summer in the hospital and then at her parents' house in Michigan which is thousands of miles away from her own home. Now, you need to understand that my friend is a very well put together, organized, confident, gorgeous and charming woman. I have always marveled at her and her beautiful life. But once I knew that she was going to survive this accident, I was truly concerned for her emotional health because I knew that being so uprooted and out of control of her life would literally drive her crazy. But I couldn't have been more wrong. When I visited her for a few moments at the hospital last night, she clutched my hand tightly and through tears simply said she was so grateful to be alive. That's it. She wasn't sorry for herself, though she has a good right to be. Earlier in the day, I visited her room and heard her agonizing screams and moans while nurses moved her slightly and then asked me to return later. My friend will likely have chronic pain for the rest of her life. But still, her tears were from the total relief that she is still here. She has a second shot at life. Now, I'm embarrassed to admit that I've done a fair amount of complaining and whining in this blog. When things are going pretty darn well, we have the luxury of seeing life as a glass half empty. And though I won't, I could start training to run a marathon today while my friend may never fully walk or run again. We all get these JOLTS in life. They are special messages that are sent to us. You can call them wake up calls or life's lessons. But regardless of their labels, they routinely bring me to my knees. That's a pretty nice realization to have when one is questioning their own identity as I am doing here. And it's that same type of gratitude and humility that I want to incorporate even more in my life. You see, I have this fairly flawed, normal, horrible, beautiful sort of life. And at this minute, I am so grateful for it. So, Dear Readers, today I'm asking you to take a quick personal inventory of your life and spend some quiet time appreciating it for what it is, warts and all. After all, we all could be lying in unbearable pain in a hospital right now. Hopefully, you'll have some tears in your eyes as I do right now. Have a great day, and I hope to see you tomorrow. Lauren

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

O.K. Aretha Franklin isn't the only one who can sing it. I've taken a long, hard look at how others (and myself) respect me. And, frankly, it's unsettling. This all came about a few days ago as a result of a knock-down blow out I had with a certain teenager who shall remain nameless here. That punk had the audacity to call me immature! Other degrading insults (like "you're too nice") were hurled at me with lazer like precision. And though my parents and sibs would laugh loudly at these accusations about me, they hurt! And their truth rang loud. The fact is, I often give way to others (including the teenage offender mentioned above). I have found that fighting and arguing just don't work although I was raised with true masters in those arts. Being nice isn't exactly the worst thing I've been accused of in my life! Why stomp on others just to save face or maintain my own self proclaimed dignity? The "higher road" always looked more attractive to me anyhow. So, the fact is, when push comes to shove, I just roll with it. But the impression to others apparently is that I just "roll over". That's where the respect part of this all comes in. At what point do you "let it all go" without also letting go of an important part of yourself? I suspect that not only do we all draw these lines of self-respect differently, but that where we draw them changes constantly as we grow, learn and mature. Also, for me, where I draw the lines of respect changes hourly depending on how tired I am and whether I am in the throes of PMS or menopause. So what's the answer? At this moment, I say let it selfishly lie with what you feel in your heart or in your gut. If you're OK with it, good! If others have a problem with how you draw the line of respect and dignity, TOUGH! They'll just have to deal. Respect for me all originates with how I see myself. And isn't that really where our identity begins? Respect is officially defined as the condition of being esteemed or honored; It's also the sense of the worth of excellence of a person. I'm good with that. I'm also good with rolling over at times when a certain teenager isn't being disrespectful. And when they are, taking away the use of a certain cell phone and car might just be the ticket to returning me to my own healthy level of self respect. So, Dear Readers, today I'm asking you to look at how "respect" operates in your life. Do you have plenty of it yourself? Do you give respect out generously to others? Does hearing Aretha's anthem make you shake your fists? How have you demanded (or failed to demand) respect in the past when it was lacking? I think these are interesting questions that relate directly to our identities. Hope your day is, well, a respectful one. Lauren Posted 2:30 p.m.

The Answer's in the Zzzzzz's

I went to bed last night tired, irritable and with that "what's the use?" feeling when I had an epiphany type realization that hit me like a lightening bolt. Everything seemed horrible because I was sleep deprived. AGAIN! As a result, the day was a wash. I had gone to a midnight movie the night before and was operating on less than 5 hours of sleep. I felt like crap, and it showed in my attitude. Last winter one of my kids did a sleep study for a school science project. What blew us away was that all six of us were severely sleep deprived. Running on empty, the high schoolers never got their 9 hours, the little guys were shy of their 11-10 hours and the adults didn't get 7 to 8. In fact, my husband and I regularly operate on around 6 hours. Five years ago, my husband's commute doubled, so we regularly wake up to the coffee maker chugging away at 4 am. And we rarely get to bed before ten. I grew up in a family where I never slept well. I was also allowed to develop my continuing coffee addiction way back in the first grade. Amazing! But my sleep deprivation didn't really kick in 'till law school. I had flirted with the occasional study motivated all nighters in college and high school, but my three year stint at U of D School of Law rarely offered me more than 4 to 5 hours of sleep. Then there was having our four babies, ... yada, yada, yada. And now, well, menopause regularly has me waking up for the night at 2:30 am. It's amazing that I haven't killed myself with all the vehicle operation I've done while extremely tired. But I guess the point is now I'm addicted to not getting enough sleep. Feeling less than par is my norm. I've never taken amphetamines, but I recall comparing notes about class mates who were stuck on them with my brother who was in med school at same the time I was studying law. In reality, we were no better off because we used (and still use today) caffeine to get the job done. Here's the rub: The obesity, heart disease, high blood pressure and diabetes that all run rampant in my family genetic pool could all be reduced by getting enough sleep. Of course, the quality of my relationships and my work would also improve greatly if I managed to get myself in bed earlier. But the central issue is really in my head. Sleeping always seemed to me to be a huge waste of time. (Remember my Human-Doings post last June 14th?) Why sleep when I could be getting so much done? Was I really retaining anything when I was reading and studying at 3 am? Did the laundry really have to be done and put away before I honored my exhaustion? Of couse not. Wouldn't I be healthier and more effective in virtually everything I do if I let my body and my mind rest? Of course, the answer is yes. So, Dear Readers, if you're cronically sleep deprived like me or just shy of the sleep you need for for today, take that nap. Get to bed one hour earlier. Watching GLEE! isn't worth it (though I never thought I'd admit it.) Sweet dreams! Lauren