Negotiating "Tough" Personalities

We are preparing for our annual two week trip to my husband's family's cabin. This is the same trek he has been making since he was 7 years old as the fourth oldest of nine kids. During the trip, there can be as many as 30+ personalities from ages 2 to 80 all coming and going and living together under one roof! It takes a LOT of coordination and organization and patience to make this "communal living" thing workable. Sometimes there are snags, but it usually goes miraculously well. Now I truly adore my husband's family. The truth is, this arrangement wouldn't last a half hour with my family! But like school, work, church and life, there can be some personalities that are, well, more challenging to deal with than others. Oh, and did I mention that there is no electricity or plumbing, we have to take a train to get there that runs only a few times a week, and it's in a foreign country? Like all "in-law" social gatherings, I've come to learn that I have somewhat of a second rate status since I'm not blood. It's not a direct snub. They generally really like me. But I've noticed that a sib or parent can suggest any silly ridiculous thing, and it's taken as the God's truth. While I (with my college and law school degrees) can make a simple, well thought out comment, and it's just plain dismissed. Done. Know your place, Lauren. O.K. That's just family. I'm sure (no, I know) my clan does the same to my husband. But I've noticed something about me lately. I routinely tip toe around certain personalities. I go to great pains to think ahead, anticipate snags and work pretty darn hard to fix problems. And I do all this to make this trip a valuable continuing experience for my husband and kids. So I closely monitor what I say, and I work hard to avoid conflict. And frankly, those "in-the-clan" do not. O.K. Part of this situation is defining "my place" in the whole scheme of this vacation and in this huge family. But I think this contortionist act is really relevant to my identity. Am I really a push-over as was suggested to me recently? Well, maybe. Yet I do know that I have no desire to be like the personalities I'm trying to accommodate - difficult, moody, and with a chip on my shoulder. I like aspiring to be easy-going, helpful and well, NICE. There! I said (wrote) it. I will be the first to admit that I spent my first 20 years on this earth being NOT nice. And as I grew up, somehow I did a 180. Being thoughtful, polite and helpful is a good goal, I think. So sue me. But something big has changed in me lately. In years past, I have invested a lot of time and effort because I really cared what the difficult, thoughtless ones thought about me. Now that's all gone like smoke. Suddenly, I couldn't care less. Wow. Now, I'm not planning on picking fights intentionally or being belligerent just for the sake of planting my emotional stake at my in-laws' camp. But I'm not going to keep quiet when I disagree either. I'm not going to refrain from activities I want to do because it irritates those who are regularly vocal about their demands. I'm not going to waste time anticipating others needs or go out of my way to help make things easier for a couple divas and divos (that really is the masculine of diva!). I'm done tap dancing. And I have a feeling, this is going to be fun! So, Dear Readers, take some time to notice how you deal with the difficult personalities in your life. Do you fire them or ground them? How fast do you tap dance? Or do you just go head to head and let it roll? And do you care what they think about you? Sure, different tactics are needed for different settings. And how and why we negotiate will likely change a lot as we grow up. I love my husband and kids enough to bend a lot to make this a great trip for them. For now, I think this forty-three year tradition is definitely worth preserving. But if you happen to see some fireworks over the Canadian sky this week, don't assume it's the Northern Lights. I just might be Lauren biting back. Hope you have a great day and can take some memorable vacations yourself this summer. Talk to you soon! Lauren