Chilling Out

My to-do list grew exponentially before my feet hit even the ground this morning. I must do a heck of a lot of sorting, processing and organizing when I sleep, because the state of my head is never calm, and rested as I wake up. But as I add that to the list of characteristics that make up Lauren, I have doubts as to whether that subconscious activity is really a good thing. I mean, NO WONDER I'm tired all the time! I lack the capacity just to "be". Often my husband will just go out on our porch swing or our deck and sit. Just sit. He just takes in the end of summer, the look of our property and birds and nature around him. And even more importantly, he enjoys it all as he takes it in. Wow! Do I ever slow down enough to enjoy anything? I think the answer is no. I don't enjoy food as I eat, I don't enjoy conversations I engage in, I don't enjoy completing the tasks I'm doing, I don't really enjoy much of anything. And as I lumber along toward the big five-oh!, is it any surprise that I'm feeling panicky and unfullfilled? Again, the answer is no. So, Dear Readers, ask yourself when the last time was that you took a chill pill? Was it just a spontaneous moment during and average day, or did you have to be on vacation in a remote location in a foreign country? And how often do you allow yourself the luxury of just "being"? I think I'm starting to understand why it is that those who meditate are happier in life. Hope your day is "enjoyable". Lauren

Being Verbose...,

My family says that I really didn't start talking till I was four years old. And I haven't stopped since! I have always been a talker. In school, that was the main reason I would get in trouble. As I grew older, that "chattiness" evolved into being what others dubbed as a "great communicator." But now, I think it's just plain annoying. And it's pretty much a waste of effort. I can say in seven paragraphs what my husband can say in seven words. He's concise and direct. I elaborate ad nauseum. Just ask my kids! I see how their eyes glaze over when I'm telling a story. And now that wordiness has also translated into my writing. My gosh, these posts are each like chapters from an epic novel! Time for me to shut up. (This is gonna be HARD!). Lauren

Seperation Anxiety

My ten year old was so excited this morning, he could hardly contain himself. As he packed for his class's overnight trip at this neat local nature camp tonight, he was amazed that he wasn't even hungry for breakfast. Now this kid hates waking up - not because he's tired but because he wakes up so ravenous every morning. As I dropped my two youngest kids off at school, I felt my stomache suddenly lurch. My little man skipped toward his friends loaded down with duffle, sleeping bag, tackle and fishing rod. My daughter turned around suddenly. "Bye, Mom! I love you!" she shouted unashamed. My throat got tight as I waved and tried to smile. Darn this separation stuff! My stomach ached all the way home. Jeeze, I haven't felt like this since,.... two hours ago! That was when the gold '97 clunker zipped away in the rain carrying my high schoolers who took just a millisecond to beep goodbye. I crossed myself as I always do (having a child learn to drive is an exercise in pure faith!), and I slowly trudged in to wake up the little guys. I wondered what Rob was doing in India, and my stomach did it again.
Now, I really didn't realize that I was this bad. When it comes to comparing myself with the "normal parents", I know I am a freak. I feel tugs at my heart and stomach each and every day. This also happens when my husband leaves for work in the morning. But I have gotten better. Most of my friends are in serious party mode on the first day of school. I've learned to just nod silently when they say, "Aren't you ready for school to start?" Why cause an uncomfortable pause in the conversation? After all, they wouldn't know what to do with me if I told them the whole truth.
I think I did great when Rob left for India last Saturday afternoon. I carefully planned for the goodbye all morning. Once he zipped out of sight, I quickly tossed a basketball at one of the kids and the somber mood of the four little Daytons was quickly dissapated. Not bad, I thought. Then Rob suddenly roared back down the driveway, and he sprinted into the house. All five of us stood there silent with our mouths hanging open. He then proudly trounced out of the house holding up a neck tie as if it was a great prize. "Knew I forgot something!" he shouted. "Love you all!" Then he was gone. Then the damn broke. The basketball rolled slowly down the driveway after him along with all five of our hearts. And this time, no one raced after it to pick it up.
Seperation has always been a thing with me. I guess it's from watching my sibs all leave for college when I was 6, 9, 10 and again at 11 years old. I felt so lonely watching them each go. It was hard for me being so young back then. Then when Rob and I were finishing our educations, we actually spent 4 years (actually 46 months, but who's counting?) in a long distance relationship. There were times when we didn't see each other for six weeks at a time. And I always tried not to imagine him getting in a car crash or finding some other girl as he drove out of sight. I think some of that "being left behindness" will always be with me.
Now sad as it is, I still think that this quality is a good thing to realize about oneself. And this year, as my oldest races through her senior year toward college, I know that I will need to brace myself for the biggest challenge yet. I will be extra careful not to hold her back with my personal feelings. Just because I quit full time litgation practice to stay home with the kids doesn't mean they have to be tethered to me forever. On the contrary, I was the one who pushed her to go on that Europe trip last spring break. She's a homebody, and it nearly killed us both when she left, but it really was an awesome adventure for her. Sigh! I really don't think this is going to get any easier as time goes by. And all the teenage moodiness, tantrums and hormones really don't help one bit! Multiply that by four, Laur, and that's the gig you've got.
So in closing, Dear Readers, take a minute to examine how you deal with seperation. Are goodbyes no big deal for you? Or do they bring you to your knees? Are some harder than others? I suspect that is the case for most of us. And I also guess how we deal with seperation will change as we mature and, oh no!, grow up. I would like to quote that great poet Eminem who hit this emotional lyric with precision:
"Life is neverending pain,
so you get the lidocane,
and you watch them leave
out the window
guess that's whey they call it window pane."
Maybe rap is closer to normal, everyday life than we "adults" would ever care to admit. Have a great day, Lauren Posted 10:32 EST

What's Eating at Me?

I just threw down a McDonald's meal in like 30 seconds. Stymied, I put the empty wrappers in the garbage in slow motion. I was actually tempted to see if I had dropped some of the food on the floor of my van. I couldn't have actually eaten that whole thing so fast, could I? Wow, Lauren, did you even chew? Did you taste any of the food? The anwer on both counts is no. And as I take a deep breath to see what's going on, I can feel the hard lump of food in my stomache. Wow, Laur, what's going so wrong in your life that you would actually do that to yourself? Good question. All morning I have been consumed with task achievement. I always seem to maintain this huge list of things to do that I hack away at daily but never seem to conquer. Tick two tasks off the list, and three new ones appear as if by magic. I even woke up with a knot in my stomache because I had forgotten to do two really important ones yesterday. Wow! This sounds familiar. Didn't I write about this before? I searched through prior posts to this blog, and Bingo! It jumped out at me from June 14th. Again, I've slipped into being a Human-Doing. Again, I woke up to thoughts of not being enough, not accomplishing enough, and not having any inherent worth. OK, it's time to re-think this line of rationale - Again! I am not what I DO. I could just sit here all day staring out the window, and though that would be very hard for me, I would be just fine. I am just fine. I am alone now at this moment because the kids are in school and my husband's out of the country. But being alone is not the same a being lonely (thanks for the distinction, Andy!). I don't need to construct this non-ending list and chop away at the items each day relentlessly to convince myself that I am justified for just existing. And while I'm at it, I need a nap. Fair enough. So, Dear Readers, when your life starts going so fast that things get blurred, slow down and see what's really going on. Try being present in your own life (another blog entry from June). Is it just your way of coping? I can testify that inhaling fast food at warp speed is a really lousey way to handle life when the walls are closing in. So may your blood pressure be lowered, and may you taste, feel, see, smell and hear the wonderful life that is around it. You are worth it, and so am I! Take care, Lauren

Organizing you Life

I just realized what control freak I am. I belong to an adult School of Rock class at a local music studio, and all summer we had a date for our final concert during which I will demonstrate my newly acquired Jaggar-like skills as lead singer. Last week, our teacher realized that she also has a gig on that date, and our concert was rescheduled for this Friday. This Friday?!? My husband is in India till Saturday. My two oldest kids are playing in marching band for the biggest annual high school rival football game in the county that same night. None of my other relatives are available either. (Explicative in CAPS!) When we showed up for a practice the day after Labor Day, our teacher forgot she had scheduled it. Disappointed!! Now, our teacher is awesome, and I really like her a lot personally. But screw ups like this drive me nuts! With four kids in school and my husband out of the country, my life is scheduled down the the minute. Stretched this thin, I work hard to do it all, but my best estimate is that I will run at about 90 percent accuracy. There will be forgotten basketball uniforms, lost lunch slips, and unpaid field trips. That's a given. But again, I work hard to get all the accuracy I can. I just don't understand those that don't put any effort into coordinating their life but who expect the world to just "deal" with their mistakes.
Growing up, I had a very disorganized family environment. Organizing things was the one way for me to take control and add some sense to my crazy, confusing existence. And so I did this from a very early age. I really didn't think that this was an important part of my identity, but I guess it is.
Two weeks ago we buried my brother's ashes. My mom scheduled this ceremony with the cemetery and let everyone know when it was. Period. That's it. "Well, what are we going to do at the cemetery?" I asked. She shrugged. Leaving this thing open-ended didn't bother her in the least. But I will tell you it deprived me of sleep! After all, we had relatives traveling in from Arizona for this thing. There was no official or priest or anything set up to guide us along. When I asked her about that little fact, again, my mom shrugged. It was as if to say, "Oh, well. I don't know". But she knew. She knew full well that I would swoop in and organize it all. And just as if it was scripted in a movie, I spent countless hours researching what the heck one does when they bury a loved one's ashes. It took me no less than 4 hours on-line to finally dig up a ceremony on a UK web site. I found out the Roman Catholic Church's take on such things. I found lots of prayers and readings for each and every one of my family members so they could take part in the ceremony. And I had it all printed out neatly for them to deliver orally on the day in question. (Those with longer roles got theirs by e-mail.) Wow, my family said to me, you're really organized. Oh, I guess I am, I said (light bulb going off). Organization. It's one of my best qualities. It helps me sleep at night.
We just had all of my family over our house since everyone was in town. Being unable to host it themselves, one relative wanted to do all the food. I agreed. Then with the writing on the wall (I know this person's history!), I made sure there was plenty of food and drinks available in case their part of the deal fell through. Like clockwork, this person waltzed into my house an hour after everyone else got there with arm fulls of groceries ready to cook. I smiled. I may be compulsive, but in cases like this, it can be handy! That night, I also slept well.
When I chair a school fundraiser, it's organized within an inch of its life. The principal knows this. I will spend hours mulling over lists of volunteers, supplies, food, and tasks. Organization. It's just what I do. The term "co-dependent" also comes to mind. But either way, it's me. And it's undeniable. So, dear readers, take a moment and assess how well organized you are. Now, I'll admit that my house is not so organized. My closets need a major Oprah intervention! But when it comes to organizing events, calendars and communication, I'm your girl (OK, denial working there..,woman!). And that's a good thing to admit about oneself. See ya soon! Lauren

Being Alone

OK, most you know my husband's in India for the week, so I'm doing the solo parent thing. This shouldn't be that big of a deal for me. He travels a lot. And I've spent the vast majority of my life alone. I'm the youngest of five kids, and there's seven years between me and the closest sib. I didn't have a "partner in crime" to buddy up with, beat up, share secrets with or otherwise terrorize when I was growing up. I spent a lot of time all alone in our house when I was little because my mom always worked or was in college. I even wore a key to our house around my neck in elementary school because I often got myself on the bus and came home alone. I was a "latch key" kid before we even knew what that was. So, I often admire and am jealous of the bond my kids have with each other since all four of them are only two years apart from their closest sib. Also, my husband is in the middle of nine kids who were born with in a span of only 12 years. They are all very close, and that is a big part of his personality. So, I guess I've always kind of seen myself as a "loner", and I've been just fine with that. Until now. Working at home these last two days, I'm feeling empty and lonely. There are lots of friends I can call or e-mail or FB. I could set up lunch dates, movie nights or drinks with the girls. But this is a different feeling. It's emptier, and it feels even "lost". Hmmm. I'm not sure what that's really all about, since being alone really is my status quo. Perhaps its the fact that the kids just got back to school and the task of juggling their four schedules already has me exhausted. Maybe it's the fact that I haven't taken the time to look after my own needs for quite some time. Maybe the person I'm really lonely for is... Lauren. Wow! So, Dear Reader, why not take a moment and see how you deal with being alone? Is it a relief? Does it cause you to feel uncomfortable or anxious? Those things are all worth noticing on this journey to find oneself. Hope your "alone" time is wonderful. Calgon, take me away!!! Love, Lauren

FEAR is a four letter word

Last Wednesday, I woke up agitated. I went around the day feeling somewhat cut off from life. I couldn't concentrate on easy tasks that needed to be done. When I snapped at my kids I realized that it was "fear" that had grabbed ahold of me. I was waiting for word about my nephew who was undergoing a kidney transplant. The tension of not knowing got to me. I was scared to death for him and my family because there were thousands of things that could go wrong. When word eventually came that things were going great, I literally felt lighter. A huge weight had been lifted from me. Then I realized that I had thrown away the whole day because I was wrapped up in fear. Now I know, that's natural. When a loved one's life is jeopardized, it's natural to feel fear. But the fact is I still lost that day. Things turned out great. And in the process of dwelling in my fear, I attracted to me a whole host of troubles and aggravations throughout the entire day.
In her books The Secret and The Power, Rhonda Byrne says that fear is merely an absense of love. It's a vaccuum. And that's how I felt - kinda like I had the life and my joy sucked out of me. But what I noticed most is that in my state of fear, I felt strangely comfortable. Like being that way was status quo. Hmmmm. That's a good thing to notice about myself. My family members have undergone three prior transplant operations. Each time it was tense. Was fear an obligation with me? Was it necessary for me to feel like "one of the gang" by being obsessive and worried. After all, my family is a bunch of control freaks and having a sick clan member brings out the worst in all of us. Hmmm again.
And what about faith? I've seen enough to know that worry and fear are of no use to me. Being a Christian, a time of crisis is just the type of thing that stretches and colors our faith. Why didn't I go there instead? Why did I choose fear? That's another good observation to have when one is trying to "find out who I am".
My husband flew out to India yesterday (Saturday) for the week. He's never been there before, and I won't likely hear his voice for days. Again, that old familiar slump set in. What if he doesn't come back? What the hell will I do? What will the kids do? My four kids were all snapping at each other after he left. The house even seemed to slump physically. The sky was a deep gray all day. Fear had once again gripped my being and held on tight. As I went to bed at 1 A.M. I got a text. "Amsterdam. Love you." Then it hit me. I did it again! So today we will wait for word that he got through the second leg of the trip. We will go to church and pray for his safety, but I'm choosing faith instead. I'm going to thank God in advance for his safe trip. I'm going to spend a LOT of time counting my blessings. Because I already threw a good part of this week away in fear. And I don't want to do that anymore. So dear readers, think about a time when you were gripped in fear. What was the eventual outcome? Did it really "matter" that you spent that time so miserable? Wouldn't it have been better just to pray or meditate or go for a run or eat your favorite ice cream? See you soon! Love, Lauren
PS We just got home from church and the communion hymn was "Be Not Afraid". O.K., God, I'm finally listening!!!

Getting My Life Back

It's September 7th and school started today. That means last night there were four sad, crabby, anxious, and stressed out kids in my house. But all went just fine this morning, and though I'm a bit weary from all the mornings events, I'm feeling pretty good. There were those years past when I was reduced to a weepy pile of tears on the first day of school. But I guess I've grown up. That's a good thing to realize about oneself. And I've gotten my life back! No more keeping my eye out for the constant and unending needs of four (five counting the biggest kid in the house!) others 24/7. No more fighting to get computer time. No more constant noise. Ahhh! It's practically a Calgon moment. Now, I don't mean to bitch. I knew what I was signing up for when I ditched my full time litigation career to be a full time mommy. I remember how crabby my own mom was most of the time. I knew loosing my identity was a distinct possibility and practically guaranteed when one works out of the house and dwells in the non-stop housework required of this gig. But as my youngest starts 6th grade, I am reminded of how fast time truly flies. That means that I have really only 6 serious years left of primary mommy hood left. That's not much. And my oldest is now a high school senior. That reminds me that there will be a lot of future adjustments in store for our whole family. But for now, Lauren's here. And I'm grateful for that.
Tomorrow is September 8th, and my 24 year old nephew will receive a new kidney from some stranger who waltzed into U of M Hospital hell bent on making the world a better place by saving someone's life. Amazing. My nephew is also perched on the brink of getting his life back. Dialysis three times a week, constant fatigue, seizures for un-Godly high blood pressure, and comas may certainly be a thing of the past for this young, handsome and talented man.
Last Friday, my whole family gathered to finally bury the ashes of this same nephew's father. He was also a kidney patient. A year ago, he didn't get his life back, but along the way for the past 30 years, he certainly did on many occasions. On Friday, we all realized how much we needed that ceremony. We all felt captive by our grief this past year while my mom made the uncomfortable decision of what to do with his remains. And in a way, we all got our full lives back as we cried, laughed, told stories, shared spripture and were again bonded by our love of him.
Getting your life back feels good. And we all deserve that from time to time regardless of our responsibilities or the challenges that fate deals us. So, Dear Readers, why don't you reflect on a time when you got your life back after it was held captive for awhile. It's bound to bring out the gratefulness in you. Take care! Lauren Sept. 7, 2010 12:50 p.m.