What's Eating at Me?

I just threw down a McDonald's meal in like 30 seconds. Stymied, I put the empty wrappers in the garbage in slow motion. I was actually tempted to see if I had dropped some of the food on the floor of my van. I couldn't have actually eaten that whole thing so fast, could I? Wow, Lauren, did you even chew? Did you taste any of the food? The anwer on both counts is no. And as I take a deep breath to see what's going on, I can feel the hard lump of food in my stomache. Wow, Laur, what's going so wrong in your life that you would actually do that to yourself? Good question. All morning I have been consumed with task achievement. I always seem to maintain this huge list of things to do that I hack away at daily but never seem to conquer. Tick two tasks off the list, and three new ones appear as if by magic. I even woke up with a knot in my stomache because I had forgotten to do two really important ones yesterday. Wow! This sounds familiar. Didn't I write about this before? I searched through prior posts to this blog, and Bingo! It jumped out at me from June 14th. Again, I've slipped into being a Human-Doing. Again, I woke up to thoughts of not being enough, not accomplishing enough, and not having any inherent worth. OK, it's time to re-think this line of rationale - Again! I am not what I DO. I could just sit here all day staring out the window, and though that would be very hard for me, I would be just fine. I am just fine. I am alone now at this moment because the kids are in school and my husband's out of the country. But being alone is not the same a being lonely (thanks for the distinction, Andy!). I don't need to construct this non-ending list and chop away at the items each day relentlessly to convince myself that I am justified for just existing. And while I'm at it, I need a nap. Fair enough. So, Dear Readers, when your life starts going so fast that things get blurred, slow down and see what's really going on. Try being present in your own life (another blog entry from June). Is it just your way of coping? I can testify that inhaling fast food at warp speed is a really lousey way to handle life when the walls are closing in. So may your blood pressure be lowered, and may you taste, feel, see, smell and hear the wonderful life that is around it. You are worth it, and so am I! Take care, Lauren