Human Do-ings

I woke up this morning with a knot in my stomach. As the fog of sleep was slowly lifting, I quickly recognized the familiarity of that old, habitual feeling I have greeted each new day with for most of my adult life. It's the gnawing, regretful, numbing, overwhelming and depressing feeling that I am not enough. I was keenly aware of this habit when I stopped working full time nearly 17 years ago. Although I was a very busy new Mom and really caught up in all the heady wonderfulness that came with that huge change in my life, the gnawing in my stomach reminded me that I would somehow viewed as "less" in our society. And there were also those harsh comments to my face that still sting today. "How can you just throw your legal career away?" "What do you DO all day?" "Look at all that work you did for nothing." I can only imagine what others thought but never actually verbalized. But maybe this gnawing in my stomach is not really about what others thought about me becoming a stay-at-home mom. Maybe this is about how "I" viewed myself then and, most importantly, now. As the "never ending" cycles of laundry, cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, bill paying, homework helping and chauffeuring for a family of six continue daily, I am somewhat embarrassed that this post sounds like I am whining. I knew full well what I was signing up for when I made this change. I clearly saw all the warning signs, and I still stepped bravely out into the nether lands of "Mommy hood". I always knew this tour had a limited duration, and that I would miss it terribly when it is finished. But when I fall into bed each night totally exhausted from the day's tasks, I still feel like I haven't done a thing. I remember first feeling this way when I was home from college during breaks. The whirl of classes, papers and exams was still muddying my mind, but I felt somehow lost because I didn't have anything to DO. I couldn't just relax. It was as if it wasn't physically or emotionally possible for me to do so. I also felt the same during times in my life when I was unemployed. There was this uncomfortable, inexplicably "lost" feeling in my gut. I had to get a job so I had something to DO. I was ill at ease with me because I had nothing to DO. As long as I was learning, getting grades, earning credit hours, doing tasks for bosses, finishing projects, and ticking off things from my daily list, I was fine. But being me, in and of itself, was not enough. I'm not sure if this came about for me because I'm the youngest of five, and I always tried to do BIG things so I wouldn't be invisible in my family. Getting attention was my main priority as a child "Look at me! Look at me," I was always saying. But today I know that valuing myself based on what I do has never once given me a sense of completeness. It just sends me hurling toward the next task once I have completed the present one. That's a shame. I once heard a speaker (I think it was John Bradshaw) say years ago that our self esteem gets whacked (my term here!) when we see ourselves as "Human-Doings" and not just plain Human Beings. And realizing today that this is only a rationale that I bought into, my stomach feels better. A lot better! Becasue I don't buy into it anymore. I am just fine being me today. So I'm going to just sit for a while and do nothing. I'm not going to plan, or organize, or think. I'm just going to BE. I know this is going to be hard because my house is a wreck and I have tons of stuff to DO. But I know I'll feel better about me than If I folded two baskets of laundry. This is my gift to myself. So, Dear Readers, I encourage you to take a few minutes and look at how you view yourself as a Human Being today. Isn't it better to be a good, honest person than to have a clean house? Have a great Monday, and don't DO too much! Lauren