FEAR is a four letter word

Last Wednesday, I woke up agitated. I went around the day feeling somewhat cut off from life. I couldn't concentrate on easy tasks that needed to be done. When I snapped at my kids I realized that it was "fear" that had grabbed ahold of me. I was waiting for word about my nephew who was undergoing a kidney transplant. The tension of not knowing got to me. I was scared to death for him and my family because there were thousands of things that could go wrong. When word eventually came that things were going great, I literally felt lighter. A huge weight had been lifted from me. Then I realized that I had thrown away the whole day because I was wrapped up in fear. Now I know, that's natural. When a loved one's life is jeopardized, it's natural to feel fear. But the fact is I still lost that day. Things turned out great. And in the process of dwelling in my fear, I attracted to me a whole host of troubles and aggravations throughout the entire day.
In her books The Secret and The Power, Rhonda Byrne says that fear is merely an absense of love. It's a vaccuum. And that's how I felt - kinda like I had the life and my joy sucked out of me. But what I noticed most is that in my state of fear, I felt strangely comfortable. Like being that way was status quo. Hmmmm. That's a good thing to notice about myself. My family members have undergone three prior transplant operations. Each time it was tense. Was fear an obligation with me? Was it necessary for me to feel like "one of the gang" by being obsessive and worried. After all, my family is a bunch of control freaks and having a sick clan member brings out the worst in all of us. Hmmm again.
And what about faith? I've seen enough to know that worry and fear are of no use to me. Being a Christian, a time of crisis is just the type of thing that stretches and colors our faith. Why didn't I go there instead? Why did I choose fear? That's another good observation to have when one is trying to "find out who I am".
My husband flew out to India yesterday (Saturday) for the week. He's never been there before, and I won't likely hear his voice for days. Again, that old familiar slump set in. What if he doesn't come back? What the hell will I do? What will the kids do? My four kids were all snapping at each other after he left. The house even seemed to slump physically. The sky was a deep gray all day. Fear had once again gripped my being and held on tight. As I went to bed at 1 A.M. I got a text. "Amsterdam. Love you." Then it hit me. I did it again! So today we will wait for word that he got through the second leg of the trip. We will go to church and pray for his safety, but I'm choosing faith instead. I'm going to thank God in advance for his safe trip. I'm going to spend a LOT of time counting my blessings. Because I already threw a good part of this week away in fear. And I don't want to do that anymore. So dear readers, think about a time when you were gripped in fear. What was the eventual outcome? Did it really "matter" that you spent that time so miserable? Wouldn't it have been better just to pray or meditate or go for a run or eat your favorite ice cream? See you soon! Love, Lauren
PS We just got home from church and the communion hymn was "Be Not Afraid". O.K., God, I'm finally listening!!!